The Dark behind the Light

I love my kids. I love them so much they make me ill at times. They make me mentally mad and a little unstable. They challenge me and exhaust me. They have ripped out my heart and have taken complete control. Even when they are sleeping, they keep me up at night. They have gotten in the way of my marriage. Even when someone offers to help , there is no such thing as an actual break.

If you are thinking of becoming a parent and you are reading this so far , you might stop and think to yourself “screw that.” If you are a parent and you are reading this, I bet you couldn’t agree more. We as mothers , are in the most whirlwind relationships of our life. We laugh, we cry, we get mad, we are proud, we are so weak, but then we are so strong.

It is so hard for me to describe how amazing it is to feel everything so strongly. I often wonder if my child can feel everything that is going on inside of me and then I look at them and they are doing nothing but smiling back. Those tiny little smiles fuel me. They make me strive to be better and keep me going even when I am running on empty. There is something about this ‘mom energy’ that has no end and keeps you going through it all.

There have been extremely dark days. I have cried for hours in the middle of the night. I have been absolutely petrified and there have been times are when I do not even know what it is that I am feeling. On top of being a mother, you are a wife, a co-worker, a sibling, a daughter, a friend, and many other roles. You try and keep it together for everyone around you even on days when you feel like you are falling apart. At the end of the day, the only role that matters most is MOM. You want to be the best version of yourself for your baby on your no sleep and skipped meals.

Do I ever regret having kids? Regardless of how this post is coming along, those kids are the best thing to ever happen to me. I see things differently, and I feel things deeply. I am the strongest version of myself and have minimal time for nonsense. I have purpose in life and I am raising two boys who will grow in to men that will hopefully make a difference in this world. I have taken on one of the hardest jobs there is and I never want to be anywhere else but with them. I can never thank them enough for simply being them.

When I enter in to the New Year, I always have the same wonders. I wonder what this year will bring me. Will I be surrounded with love and celebration or will there be some heartache? Will I experience personal growth or will I hold myself back? It all doesn’t matter to me anymore. As I enter 2021, I am content. I have my little family, I am going to enjoy every second with them. I am beyond lucky that I start the New Year already in the best position possible. A mother of two , who is ready and willing to handle anything that comes her way with the motivation from her two adorable children. To every mother out there, you already have it all , Happy New Year.

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