This will be my last blog post before the little bambino’s arrive and then shit hits the fan!! Now that I have pretty much completed this pregnancy with only 4 weeks left (maybe lol) .. I wanted to officially give a shout out to all of the moms out there pregnant during 2020. I have tried my best this whole time to keep this pregnancy light hearted and fun, but truth be told, it is one of the hardest things I have done so far.
In the beginning of the pregnancy, I was extremely excited to be pregnant with two kiddos, but I was more scared than anything else. On top of fear with all of the complications, there was the obvious Corona. Now, I would constantly tell myself, this disease is killing many loved ones who then have to pass away alone, and I get the opportunity to bring life in to this world, so who am I to complain?
I was listening to my hospital and doctors orders about not being allowed to have my husband with me for any of my appointments, and was always hopeful that with a good a positive attitude, things were sure to change for the better soon. Well, we are four weeks away and he was never once able to go. Personal reality check again, with everything that can go wrong with a twin pregnancy, my kids have been thriving. I never once had to go to a doctor alone to receive bad news.
I also got my hopes up when I saw the weather was getting nicer and people were going out more. I figured it was a no brainer that I was going to be able to have my Baby Shower. I did not. Now, normally I hate more than ever to get upset over something that makes me so privileged in this world, but this is my first pregnancy, I wanted to be a mom since I was 5, and the celebration was taken away. Thank God for all of my friends and family who stepped up and made it so nice for me. I had different visitors all summer which were a distraction to everything personal I was feeling deep down. At the end of the day, my boys got everything they needed and then some and that is all, as a mom, that I care about.
Marriage also got tricky. This was such a huge shift in our normal dynamic. We used to work completely different hours and now I was home, and for the most part I felt useless. I would be tired from company , or my back would hurt from carrying two humans, and most nights I went to bed alone so that he could play video games. I felt lonely and confused and distant. It took a minute for us to get our groove back. On my end, I shove my emotions so far down it seems as though there is nothing wrong and on his end, there was a disconnect without going to any doctors and fear of becoming a new dad. We have worked it out, and continue to do so. Love is not easy, it will have its ups and downs, but we feel as parents, our dynamic will be the foundation of how our kids will be raised. We are ready to put in the work, and we are more than ready to share our love for each other with our children.
Here we are at the end. Our house is being renovated but I could not be happier that the hold up on construction has led us to live at my parents house. There is plenty of space here, and I am going to need the help. Even now, I have more days than not where I am absolutely drained and my mom has stepped up. It depressed me to watch her wash all of my children’s clothes, but I physically had no energy to do so. When I got a little pep in my step, we went through, organized, and put them all away. It is amazing how much you set out to do and what your body allows for. I am more than grateful that now I will be coming back here with my twins, my stubborn ass will finally admit, I can use all the help.
Now the hardest thing I am going through is being strong about not having my mother with me for the birth of my kids. We used to fantasize about the day it would be my turn. Here we are with a couple of weeks away and she will be home. I want to find the light in this situation and I constantly tell myself that this is God’s plan for me and my birth, but it is getting super hard to not be frustrated about it.
So, for me, I feel like I have a heads up on what it is like to be a mother before my kids have even arrived. Nothing will go as planned, there is no such thing as a cookie cutter life, everything is not rainbows and sunshine. All of that is irrelevant. When I lay my head to sleep, I can smile knowing that my kids have surpassed so many milestones in an identical twin pregnancy. The more weeks that go on and the bigger they grow , I can not be more amazed by them before they even come! They have everything they need upon arrival, and the love that is about to surround them is unreal. So although this was hard, this is life. I want to thank my kids, because with everything going on in the world, you both gave me such a smooth pregnancy. You both allowed for me to see problems in my life worth addressing, you both kicked me any time I was feeling super low and made me smile ear to ear immediately. I can not wait to find out what else you both teach me along the way. I love you , I love you , I love you.